Ore no Kono Te De
by Shirohane
Summary: If your hands are stained with blood, will you still be able to protect your beloved with those sinful hands? Serious Killua x Gon.


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Note: The anime/manga series "Hunter x Hunter" belongs to Togashi Yoshihiro, Shueisha, etc. The author claims no connection to neither the creation nor the sales of the said work of animation. So... yeah. I think that's enough for the disclaims.

If the idea of Killua and Gon love-love offends, you're better off not reading this, ne.

'Ore no Kono Te De' means 'With These Hands of Mine', or something like that.

* * * * *

The blood felt warm against his skin. Killua Zoldick patiently watched as the dark red droplets trickled down his arm to pool at his elbow before dripping to the ground with a sickening plop. He slowly turned his hands so that the palms were facing the heavens as he slowly sunk to the ground. His legs failed underneath him. He felt nauseated. Killua closed his eyes tightly before opening his eyes again. The horror of what he had done finally registered, and Killua shuddered.

Killua's eyes turned to the darkest corner of the room. Brown eyes glittered as they watched every movement. Feeling Killua's eyes upon them, the eyes lifted up to meet Killua's.

"Gon," Killua started. He paused before swallowing and opening his lips again. However, he was silenced as Gon shook his head and stood up.

"Let's get out of here first. There is a river nearby; you can wash your hands there."

Killua nodded as he followed Gon out of the cramped cabin and into the daylight. The late afternoon's sunlight was dazzling with its brightness. 'Like Gon,' Killua thought with a dry humor. The darkness of the cabin was himself; Gon was the sunlight. They were completely different. They never could nor would understand each other. So why were they friends?

Gon firmly took hold of Killua's hands and held them under the rushing torrent of the small stream. The blood spiraled in the water before being washed away. Not satisfied with the speed in which the blood was diffusing into the water, Gon started to rub Killua's hands with his own. Soon Gon's hands stained crimson, same color as the cloud of blood in the water. With a sharp jerk, Killua pulled out from Gon's grasp.

"I'll wash them myself," he quietly said. Gon looked at Killua with unreadable expression before nodding and pulling his hands out of the water. He watched Killua from the corner of his eyes, his arms tightly wrapped around his legs and his head buried in his arms. When Killua stood up and dried his hands on his pants, Gon stood up with Killua and took hold of Killua's hands again. He turned Killua's hands until the palms faced the heavens and stared down at Killua's hands.

Killua's hands were flawless. Perfectly shaped, pale-skinned, and slender, they were hands of an artist. Even his nails were shades of most delicate of pink, a beautiful orchid in color. Holding a bow to make heart-throbbing melodies with violin would have suited those hands well. Or perhaps creating rich texture of oak trees from cadmium yellow and burnt sienna acrylic paints. No matter how one looked, Killua's hands did not look like the hands of an assassin.

"They're so gentle when they're touching my cheek," Gon softly said, looking up at Killua as he wrapped his own fingers around Killua's hands. Gon's brown eyes were saddened, and Killua would have liked nothing better than to rip his own throat out for making Gon sad like this. "Your hands are so warm when resting against my shoulders. Your hands are so playful when they ruffle up my hair. Why? Why must you continue to kill with these hands, Killua?"

"Because I have been raised to kill," Killua automatically replied, and immediately regretted his answer when he noticed Gon's expression. Gon's face crumpled as he avoided Killua's eyes. "Gon... I'm sorry," Killua started. He was awkward at expressing his feelings, but he was sincere. "Being a black-list hunter really is what is most suited to me. And... it's dangerous. It is kill or be killed situation, Gon... And this... being an accomplished assassin is the only way that my father would acknowledge me. I am--"

"The successor of the Zoldick name. I know," Gon said, his voice uncharacteristically bitter. He allowed Killua's hands to drop as he turned and wrapped his arms around himself, shivering slightly. "I want you to be happy, Killua. Taking others' lives will not make you happy. You can never be happy that way..."

Killua gently pulled Gon into an embrace. Gon stiffened at the contact, but relaxed as he allowed his head to rest against Killua's collarbone. Stillness surrounded the two until Gon abruptly broke the silence. 

"I can't do this, Killua. If you insist on killing, then by all means... continue to do so. If that is true happiness to you, I want you to be happy. But," Gon took hold of Killua's hand and touched the fingertips against his neck. "Please kill me. If your father's approval is what truly makes Killua happy, being with me can never make you happy. I can not give you a son, Killua. I am a boy, like you are. I am not of a good breeding, and I am not even an assassin. I will disapprove every time you kill. Being with me will cause your father to disown you, Killua."

Killua gently touched Gon's neck, his long fingernails delicately scraping against the flesh. His older brother had warned him that he would want to kill Gon someday. He had proved right. Killua often had an urge to kill Gon. Gon was strong and beautiful, an unattainable perfection. It was human nature to want to destroy something that was so beautiful. The more beautiful something was, the more one wanted to hurt that entity. And Gon was a weakness. If he got rid of his greatest weakness...

Gon did not flinch as he felt Killua's nails digging into his neck. Blood slowly dripped from his neck down to Killua's hands, once more staining the hands a crimson color. Killua was mesmerized by the metallic, sickeningly sweet scent of the blood. Gon steadily looked up at Killua. Killua stared back at him. Then Killua broke down as he felt tears he had not shed in years suddenly break loose. He pulled Gon closer to his own body, savoring the other boy's warmth and fragrance. His trembling hands dug onto Gon's shirt to desperately grab the material. 

"I couldn't care less about what my father thinks...! I just wanted someone's approval... A reason for living... You are that reason for living to me right now, but... But... You'll leave me, or I'll taint you! I don't want either one! With these bloodied hands, I... I can't protect you..."

"Silly Killua," Gon softly chided. "I don't need protection. I'm happy that we are friends. Even if I fall into the darkest of darkness... Even if I am tainted and shunned... Even that, if I can be with you, it will be a happiness to me."

Killua cried onto Gon's shoulder then, with great, big, ugly sobs. He hated his own weakness. Killing made him feel more sure of himself. He was like a god; he could take away someone's life. Then he would look at horrified look on Gon's face, and guilt would make him hate himself again. At his weakness, at his inability to stop killing. It was a vicious cycle. He could not escape. He did not know what to do.

"Because Killua is my light."

Killua stared at Gon, his tear-streaked cheek flushed as he pulled away from Gon. He frowned. 

"...what?"

"Because, before I met Killua, I always felt lonely," Gon said, smiling. "I never met someone who was of my age; someone who would accept me for myself. Mito-san loves me because I am her son. Kon-chan loves me because I am like a brother to him. But Killua loves me unconditionally. I feel alive when I'm with Killua, because it's fun. I can like myself more when I think that Killua is with me."

Killua shook his head, amazed at Gon's words. Sudden realization made his whisper hoarse. "I'm was being an idiot... I can like myself, because someone like Gon likes me... I don't have to hate myself, do I?"

Gon smile widened. He wrapped his arms around Killua's shoulders as he kissed Killua's cheek.

"You don't have to be afraid, Killua. Light can not taint others, and you are a light. I won't ever leave you. I'll always be with you..."

Killua regarded the boy who had shed light into his life with solemn eyes. So then he didn't have to kill. He didn't have to kill Gon to feel that he had control over Gon's life and that Gon no longer had no control over his own life. In fact, they had control over each other's life, and that is how they can like themselves more...

Both rejected by their father, both forced into mature at such a young age. Both still untainted and childish despite all that. There were plenty of similarities between the two, if Killua only cared to open his eyes. If he had stopped wallowing in his self-pity, he would have realized sooner that he didn't need to kill.

Killua placed his hands around Gon's hand and squeezed firmly as he grinned, his customary cocky smirk back in place as Gon smiled back at him.

"I prefer pain over tears. If you do keep that promise of yours and always stay with me, I won't ever make you sad again, Gon Freaks... With these hands of mine-- even though they're blood-stained and soaked with sin-- I'll protect you." 

* * * * *

Owari

Very abstract and strange one-shot... A bit like character study of Killua Zoldicks and Gon Freaks. I do not think Killua is darkness, even though Gon most definitely is the light in his life. When he is forced into dark world that he has been born into once again, Gon will pull him out. Because Killua is the light that shines in the darkness-- the moon-- and Gon is the light that illuminates the brightness, the sun. 

In the original series right now, Killua is very playful and easy-going in the Greed Island saga, but once he finishes the game, he might lose focus on his life. But that would be just fine, because Gon would be the new focus for him in his life...

1/28/2004, Version 2


End file.
